shanagolden

Alright I know 45 lbs. is a lot and if I were anyone else I would be telling them to revel in their success, but I am not. I have spent the last 10 years hating my body, feeling deformed and had little confidence in what I was capable of. So much of my day was spent lamenting about my current state. What I ate wrong, how I should exercise more, I should feed my kids better, play with them more. So many complaints about me. So I have made huge changes to my life. I keep to a schedule and meal plan to assure healthy meals for us. I go to the gym 3-4 days per week and 2 of those are with a trainer who kicks my ass. I have lost 45 pounds and still- where is the joy? It sure is hard to retrain your brain to like yourself more or to be satisfied.

What should one determined woman do? How do we praise ourselves for our accomplishments and celebrate them with out eating, drinking, shopping etc? Only healthy recognition is what I am looking for.  I have told myself- great job Shana, you are really doing this. I know how hard this has been and I have worked toward this for a long time but now all I can think about is being thinner. When I am 140 I get to celebrate is what I have been saying. But what about now? What are some useful, encouraging things I can do for myself to celebrate what I have accomplished?

Most of my clothes are now from my skinnier boxes and that does make me happy. Although I have had to give away some of my favorite things. My family is really happy with all the home cooked meals and my husband is certainly enjoying my smaller body. But in my head it is one goal-140. I will have accomplished my goal weight at 140 and there is nothing else in my sights. How did I get caught up in a number? I never thought I would be this obsessed but here I am.  Jessi I know you are going to tell me to enjoy where I am at and what I have done. I hear you friend, really. But I am still obsessed! When I am working out I think about what I will look like at 140. How good I will feel to be a “normal” weight. How happy I will be to not be battling weight. Being done this this eating disorder! Or at least able to keep myself in control! Then when I want to eat something not in my diet- same thoughts but the damage I will do if I eat unhealthy. Is this the way thin people feel? Are we all a number? Will I ever get to not think about my weight? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I may very well be premenstrual and a little down but it’s how I feel today!

Today I went shopping for the details of my halloween costume. My husband decided to be a convict and asked if I would be a sexy cop. Which this was a huge compliment to me because he must think I can pull it off. So I am picking up handcuffs, a ball and chain, fishnets and a petticoat. I took the XL, I am still over 200lbs. but to my surprise and dismay- that xl is way too big! Sad part is it was from one of those spirit stores where all sales are final and it was $22.00 damn it! Anyone need a black xl short petticoat? But I am too small for an xl . I haven’t been this size in 5 years!

I have noticed I am surprised by my size now. I go to grab a shirt from my closet that seems fine and it’s huge on. It’s bizarre that I haven’t fully caught up with my weight loss.  It has been such a roller coaster of loss and then stall or even gains from retention that I haven’t fully acknowledged how much my body has changed. We were at Disneyland today and every time I saw my reflection in the shop windows I was shocked that I looked so……… normal. Not huge and stuffed into my clothes.. While we were in line for Space Mt. my 5 year old says “mom you look better at this age”. Hugh- What do you mean, I said. “Well mom you look better cause you’re skinnier”. It is a back handed compliment yes, but my 5 year is aware of my appearance and it made me wonder what he thought before. Was I just so unhealthy looking? Was he embarrassed by me? Sad I guess but maybe the truth. I don’t want my boys to think that only thin is beautiful and to judge only by the surface, but I guess the package is what you see first. Even for a child.

Now I am left wondering how I will end up. Will my days of being over weight be the pictures put in boxes or should I take the opportunity to teach my children about different shapes and sizes and how we love each other no matter what? I am going with the later. Because I am just as wonderful of a mom and wife whether I am 240 or 140. Although I do like being thinner- I am resentful that now I am prettier because I’ve lost weight. There is so much pressure to be cookie cutter and look “normal” as one buddyslimmer said in a blog to me. I do admit clothes fit better and I can see my real structure from under the layer of fat- but I am no different. I love my family the same- they just seem to love me more. Odd but I guess I will take it.

Hello fellow buddyslimers!  I am back! I have been very busy unpacking my house and adjusting to our new lifestyle . The most amazing thing has happened. I have been making a big effort to change old habbits and control my urges to overeat or eat unhealthy. Well I had been doing this diet for 2 weeks I missed cooking and smelling all the yummy smells. I thought out of sight out of mind. I decided last week, our first week in our new home, to start cooking more gourmet meals and deserts for my family.I am so happy to see the remarkable changes in such a short time. My kids are more behaved. Dinner time is less hectic and my husband is certainly satisfied.

I know it seems crazy when I am only having 500 calories a day but I have found a joy in watching my family eat. The entire process of cooking for them and seeing them enjoy each bite has made me enjoy my meals so much more. Plus for some reason when I smell the things I really enjoy it is better then eating it. I don’t have to beat myself up about how bad I was for making a bad choice. I have learned that I enjoy eating mindfully. My children are eating better and we are all learning and experimenting with different ingredients. Yesterday I made a banana nut bread with butter cream icing. The kids thought is was awesome. Tonight I made a beef stew over jasmine rice. I made soup with celery and chicken breast and enjoyed every bite.

So I have come to the conclusion again that it is all about choice. In order to look at food in a different way- not needing to consume until stuffed or gone. I have made the choice to be mindful about what I put in my body. The earned reward is me feeling healthy in my mind and feeling healthy in my body. For so many years I did not have my mind body connection. My stomach my have been full but I taught myself to continue to eat and not listen to the message my body was giving. I now register am I hungry? What do I need?

Crazy how paying a little more attention to yourself can make such a big difference! I am not saying that this has been easy for me. I am in constant retraining mode- but I am determined .  I have waited long enough. I have wasted enough energy hating myself. I am capable of being at peace within myself.

At least that’s what I feel today

Just getting through my first cycle on this restricted diet and boy it was a hard one. How do you stop the cravings for chocolate? Happily I triumphed and still lost even during my cycle! It was a difficult one though. Each day when I was craving foods that weren’t healthy I talked to myself about my needs. I am really hungry? What do I need? It is so hard to retrain yourself once habits have been establish. It does get easier day by day but right now I am just getting through 1 day at a time. I am making a conscious effort to change and asses my needs.

During the past 10 years of being so over weight I kind of lost myself in my family. Being a mother and wife I just kind of became someone like me but not entirely me. I hid myself behind the weight so I wouldn’t have to reflect on myself.  I’ve been a great mom and wife and that became all of my identity. What ever my family needed is what role I became.

I began this process about 8 months ago. It started with my Dr. referring me to a class through a local medical center. I attended classes that discussed gastric bypass and lap band. That class led me to yet another class at a program called the Pathway. Through all these experiences, though I just lost 16 lbs. I was rediscovering me.  Now I am feeling like I remember me, I love being me. Thank Buddha!

Alright I was off line for a few days because we moved. Luckily we just moved a mile away to a bigger place, Yay! My children each have their own rooms to play in now! Moving and dieting can be difficult since I have changed my eating habits I don’t eat fast food or packaged anything so there was no convenience with moving. All of my furniture fits beautifully and we have much less clutter. But the best news is now I have lost a total of 34 lbs! I can’t believe it. So I lost 17 lbs. in 3 months with the South Beach Diet and now 17 lbs in 22 days with HCG. I am so happy to see the fat melting away. I haven’t noticed any ill effects besides the mind wanting to return to old habits. That has been the biggest battle for me. I have about 20lbs. more I can loose with HCG and then I will have to stop so it will be back to the south beach to maintain my loss. I am feeling good but tired from working so hard. Glad to weigh less and happy to be getting this move done with! I am also thrilled to have made so many new friends here at buddyslim. I am so happy to see that not everyone believes their way is the only way. I appreciate the support and encoutragement. That is what I am here for and that is what I give back.

So for the past few months I have been chugging along slowly loosing weight. Over the past few weeks I’ve lost a lot of weight and now people at my kids school want to know how. I kinda feel nervous about telling strangers about the diet I am doing because of the insults the commenced once I blogged about it here on buddyslim. And now one blogger mission is to bash the method so I was a little gun shy. But several mom’s have asked plus my trainer at the gym is helping her mom with the method! I do not think it is the best way, but for me it was so I decided to share my story.

There I was at the corner of the parking lot with 4 mom’s listening to me explain a basic overview of the diet. And now here I am telling you all the story.  I slowly explained that there is an insulin needle involved, by the way doesn’t hurt ever! Also a hormone. And amazingly not one even flinched. When my girlfriend told me about it I was like do what you like but that sounds a little crazy, as I was at class for the lap band procedure. I then realized I could cut into my body to help me loose weight, because no questions about it obesity is a disorder, or I could use this method my mom used back in the 70’s but she went to the Dr. for it. Anyways, I just spent the last 30 mins sending links to these women.

I have found that there are so many of us that don’t know what to do and how to control ourselves to stick to a diet. There is a commitment when you are on a hormone as well as the fact that it works. I can’t believe I let myself get to a point that this was the only answer I could see but I am and you know, it’s my story. The story of Shana. I having been feeling pretty darn good about myself and I am happy to share my story anytime

I have lost 28 lbs. since June and have been retraining myself to examine what I put into my mouth. I have been very good at this at least for the last 2 weeks. But today I keep visualizing french fries. How do you make them stop?

So I have begun trying different tactics. First I was just ignoring the the urge to indulge in my unhealthy friend fried food. But sadly that slippery bugger came back into my mind. So I then focused on enjoying my healthy lunch of grilled top sirloin and spinach. Which was delish but  not a drop of oil in that and my meals are so small there isn’t very much time to savor. So then I took pride in the weight I’ve lost and and how much better my body feels since I have made the change to a healthier diet. But still my old friend was knocking in my head. Of course this is an over simplification of the drama playing out in my head. Finally I resigned to distraction. Yet another tool from my tool belt.

Since I am not interested in transferring addictions I can’t go shopping, or drink, or anything that isn’t a healthy alternative. So here I am left wanting and using distraction to keep myself from returning to bad habits. So many have told me to just eat less and exercise more. As if loosing 90 lbs. is that simple. When and who helps us address the mental game we must play?

I’ve decided that I will overcome the battle with my weight and leave the arena the thinner of the two. It comes down to your earned reward. If my goal is to change my BMI by 20% and the necessary steps require me to avoid certain foods for a while, avoid I must. My earned reward is feeling healthy and have confidence in my body- not appearance- but it’s use. I have made the descion to overcome my eating disorder and it is my choice to continue. So rather than a day out shopping or a day at the spa I used my mind to stay focused and get me through today. One day at a time.

Today marks day 14 for for me of a new life style and I am proud. There is so much controversy over dieting and in our world in general. But today I am happy, motivated and successful. I would not pass this up in a million years! Would you?

How my process started. I have been in a battle with fat I guess nearly all of  my adult  life. I remember being 125 at age 18 and thinking I was fat. So sad that a healthy young woman would think that but that is my story. By 19 settling in to college life on my own in San Francisco I began packing on the lbs. I worked in a great restaurant and my boyfriend and I moved in together and there I went. Little by little food was there for me when I was lonely, sad, happy, nervous whatever. It became my companion. Plus I was a victim of a violent crime had happened to me just a few months prior to moving from the quiet lake town nestled in the pines 5,7000 feet up in the mountains, Lake Arrowhead to the big scary city by the bay, San Francisco. But that’s an entirely new blog.  As I got settled in to life on my own my weight began to climb. Slowly but climbing.

By the time I was 20 I weighed 171lbs. Still no flags of alarms went off in my head. I knew I was overweight but I guess I needed it. After I had my first child I was 200lbs. 2nd child 220, 3rd kid 240. And that’s my story. I have yo yo dieted for the past 10 years. Getting down 20-30 lbs. and climbing back up. The South Beach Diet is my favorite method that works and I feel is healthy. Again to each his own. But that has been a slow process and I have kept 16 lbs. off from utilizing that method. But after a few weeks of a stall and seeing my friend quickly loose weight and yes, keep it off I began the HCG process. I have begun the long arduest process of retraining my brain into new habits. I am not using food as a coping mechanism, I have to use my mind instead. I am not rewarding myself with food nor am I making it my enemy. I am preparing healthy well balanced low fat, high protein and vegetable meals. I have read studies that show it takes 21 days to make a habit. Well I have 1 week to go! Today I feel proud of my journey and each day that has led me here. And here I am at day 14 exactly 11 lbs. loss! That is a 28 lb loss for me total. I am learning new life skills that I plan to keep. One day at a time!

Well I don’t know if I can really say I did it. At least my body did! For 3 days I was at 221.8. I guess some sort of weight memory for my body. I hadn’t changed a thing just once I got there my body wanted to stay. I was beginning to get a little nervous that maybe I wasn’t going to loose anymore for a bit. But I knew I am eating right and following Dr. Simeons Protocol so it had to come off eventually right? So at 6:25 am as I do every morning and went to the bathroom and prepared myself. I told myself to not be discouraged and no matter what the scale said today I know I have been working hard at changing habits and had done well with eating healthy. I put one foot on and then the other, I almost didn’t want to look. But then to my sweet surprise I am down 1.8 lbs!!! Yeah the stall is over. Battle won for once. I get a point fat gets nothing! I guess this could happen again. When my body gets down to another familiar weight I may just sit there for a few days and then it will drop. I’ve never known about this till now. But to my surprise it us real and you will get through it! Anyone with me?

Alright so the last weekend my girlfriends and I had a weekend together we cooked for each other. Of course it was surrounded by yummy ingredients. Rib eyes with grilled squashes, baked potato, salad and garlic bread. We made strawberry shortcake with fresh whipped cream Yummy! It was a feast wine and everything. Now at day 12 on the HCG diet I had to introduce  new menu. We grilled chicken breast and steamed spinach seasoned with fresh lemon, garlic salt and pepper. Big difference from the fabulous meals we enjoyed in the past. But wouldn’t you know - we had a wonderful time and it wasn’t all about the cooking or eating. I can’t drink so we just hung out and fully enjoyed eachother’s company. This morning as I had my apple for breakfast we did clay face peels and aroma therapy. It was heavenly. I was a little nervouse to be away from home with non-dieters, but I am so happy to say that I have some supportive friends . They didn’t want to eat differently - they joined me. That was incredible and made being on this special diet so much easier. We didn’t talk about weight we just swam and soaked in the sun and played. So there is hope for me yet!